MOTHER-TO-WANNABE

I know plenty of women who don't want kids, and I respect that. But if there's anything I must absolutely accomplish before I leave this planet, it's to give birth to a baby. I don't know exactly why, it just feels like an instinct that I can't intellectualize away. It's just there, like gravity or the tide. Every living thing on earth comes into existence, reproduces, dies. I am woman, I bleed. All I know is, life just won't feel complete until I am a breeder.

And don't tell me I can adopt. Fuck that. I want unconditional love, And I will have it even if I have to make it myself! It's not about the kid, it's about my kid. It's about fusing a piece of me and someone I love into total oneness(even if the only one I end up loving is my disparate self!) It's living breathing proof that there are things in me that are so good that they're worth repeating, and an excuse that I can't do a damn thing about my bad points, since they're biologically preprogrammed.

So here I sit, basically ready. It's not like I need to have the kid tomorrow, but I'm ready in an abstract kind of way. I've looked for liquor and love in enough bars to know that one doesn't lead to the other.

I was raised in a traditional family structure, and it left me with some mighty un-pc ideas of what a family is supposed to be. But I find beauty and comfort in making a man my best friend, sharing the rearing of our very own kids, growing up and growing old with all of us there to love and look after each other. I also find potential boredom and total castration of my self, which is probally why I'm not there yet. But I think deep down I do want it..

But just in case, I am chanting a regular mantra to myself that I do not need another half to be whole. I'm slowly coming to terms with the idea that I may not find my prince, or I may never be able to accept anything less than one..

Maybe I could handle single motherhood after all, or maybe time will teach me to embrace childlessness.stranger things have happen...