LOVE IS THE DRUG!!!!!

It's been an opera. It was more than a opera. It was gore theater and I was the leading lady. I became obsessed with angels and ballerina's, things of grace and beauty after sonny and I broke up. I would cry about every fifteen minutes. I was a makeup nightmare. I wanted to be the swan in swan lake and flutter, crumple, and disappear.

Imagine this: your peaking. your in your youth. At the prime of your life. You've finally met someone. and your in love with him. You have a best friend. You have a soul-fucking-mate. And he's the best fuck that ever walked. And he wants to have babies. and what you want is babies. You've wanted to have a baby forever.

And he understands everything you say. and he completes your sentences. And he's lazy but he's spirtual. And he's not embarrased about praying. and he's not embarrased about god, jesus, none of it. He fucking thinks it's all kool. he wants to be enlightened. everything.

And there's even room for you to fix him, which you like, cause your a fixer-upper. He's perfect in almost every fucking way. The only fucking happiness you've ever had. And then he starts slamdancing with Mr. brownstone(herion)..and it all gets taken away from you...

He was in a coma for twenty hours and I was hysterical throughout. I mean, they had two tubes in his nose, two in his mouth, things coming out of every avaiable artery. They had to put the glucose through his neck that night. All of his life functions including pissing were done by a machine.

I mean, I seen him get really fucked up before, but I've never seen him almost eat it like that. And I knew that night as I layed with him praying he wouldn't leave me that I could never see him like that again..and that this would be the end of our story..I've been a zombie for eleven months now. For so long in my relationship and afterward. I've been in isolation, oblivious to everything but my darkest hedonism and darkest hours.

I have to start feeling my heart again. I'm finally returning to the land of agoraphobia trying to purge myself of my vitriol for every man that has hurt me in the past..I did lady macbeth..all right..now it's time to get back with the living....